Maybe all this time,I have just been delusional.maybe I'm no angel.
Why do i find it so hard to connect with life? Why do i find it so hard to connect with people,yet feel so light and easy when I'm in nature or with animals?
I just seem to be waiting for this amazing thunderbolt which is going to awaken me,going to shake me to my foundations,that will shake me out of this apathy but it never happens.
Why do I find it so hard to step away from "victim" mode,why do i want to use my depression as a crutch? Why am i so screwed up and how do i heal?
I dont expect answers.
I know I should go within,but when I do that,I find nothing,only a criticising mind that belittles me and makes me feel unworthy.I feel none of the good stuff.Why am I so...closed?

I noticed today that I smile more than I frown.It used to be the other way round,but since i have been allowing myself to be happy,I have been smiling more (at least at work )

I have also noticed that I always seem to want negative things to happen to me,just so I can carry on playing the victim.

Now I am aware of this,I can work on them,I know this corresponds to my first chakra,so i will be doing some study about that tomorrow after work.


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Dream Visitations

I have been reading a book about dream Visitations,and it reminded me of a few moments of my own.

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My Grandad died almost 15 years ago now,but I will never forget the dream I had of him about 9 months after his death.

In the dream,I was in my Grandparents house,and I was waiting for him to come.I knew he was dead but i was still waiting for this visit.

When he did arrive,he just materialised in front of me.I spent most of the time crying,which seemed to annoy him,I don't know why.I finally managed to ask him why he died,and when he replied he said,"I died so I could live."

I don't remember much else of my dream visitation but that part has always stayed with me,even after so long.

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On the 8th August this year,the child I miscarried would have been 16.I was lying in bed,just meditating when I heard a voice in my head say "Mum".I know it wasn't my voice,and that was all I heard.Perhaps he came to let me know he was thinking of me too.

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Another dream I once had involved my grandad dying.This time he was in hospital,dying of cancer I think.I refused to go and see him as i said,"I cant watch him die a second time."